Dear Diary: ‘Sixty years on the throne? Big deal’

Queen Victoria’s musing on the week, as imagined by Tristin Hopper.

Monday

So it’s 60 years for Elizabeth, is it? Big deal. Try hanging in for the full six-oh without indoor plumbing and central heating — and with an actual empire to run.

At my Diamond Jubilee, I didn’t even leave my carriage. No way you’d catch me standing on some tacky barge for an afternoon to be gawked at like a circus bear. And, of course, I appeared throughout in my requisite corset, four dresses, a bonnet and three pairs of stockings. This minx of a great-great granddaughter of mine might as well prance around Britain in her skivvies. She’s certainly no Empress of India. And no, your photo hanging on the wall of some Piccadilly curry house doesn’t count.

Tuesday

So it’s come to this: Centuries of English monarchs foiling attackers, crushing pretenders and scoring victory after victory…